I have a new friend and we have had a fine time together during this holiday time. I have not experienced one bit of stress, not one, tiny bit, thanks to his help. From choosing gifts to sending cards to cookie exchanges to gifts for needy community members, Jack has helped me cope calmly and gracefully. You may know Jack -- his last name is Shit. Jack Shit. As in "I am not doing Jack Shit for the holidays."
When the urge to bake hits, Jack says, "Still your mind! You do not want to go to the store to buy supplies, spend the evening baking, and run around tomorrow delivering them to your fat friends who don't need to eat them. Put on your flannel jammies, flip on the tv and watch a movie. Maybe someone will drop by with some cookies for you."
When I was asked to contribute clothing for needy babies, Jack said, "They'll take cash, you know." So that's what they got. Those babies won't know or care. They'd rather have candy anyway.
Purchasing gifts for friends and family? I was contemplating shopping trips, trekking through malls, driving long distances to get just the right thing. That smarty Jack said, "Wait around for a last minute deal to come in your email and order online." Brilliant! Took me about 30 minutes and that included typing in their names and addresses for delivery.
Christmas cards? Jack advised that I would be killing trees in the interest of sending meaningless greetings to people I talk to on the phone anyway. Everyone else would be thrilled with a lovely digital card from Jacquie Lawson. Jack knows his stuff!
Jack's wisdom includes, "All this so-called seasonal kindness is claptrap. Be good to everyone all the time and relax with a clear conscience in December while everyone else runs around like maniacs going in debt."
He has urged, "Girl, there is no Santa Claus, hell, even Jesus would not approve of Corporate Christmases. Don't do it for them, don't do it at all. That's called not doing Jack Shit!"
Jack has been a good and true friend. To show him my gratitude I am going to do something extra special. Just as he recommends, I am not doing Jack Shit for him.
When the urge to bake hits, Jack says, "Still your mind! You do not want to go to the store to buy supplies, spend the evening baking, and run around tomorrow delivering them to your fat friends who don't need to eat them. Put on your flannel jammies, flip on the tv and watch a movie. Maybe someone will drop by with some cookies for you."
When I was asked to contribute clothing for needy babies, Jack said, "They'll take cash, you know." So that's what they got. Those babies won't know or care. They'd rather have candy anyway.
Purchasing gifts for friends and family? I was contemplating shopping trips, trekking through malls, driving long distances to get just the right thing. That smarty Jack said, "Wait around for a last minute deal to come in your email and order online." Brilliant! Took me about 30 minutes and that included typing in their names and addresses for delivery.
Christmas cards? Jack advised that I would be killing trees in the interest of sending meaningless greetings to people I talk to on the phone anyway. Everyone else would be thrilled with a lovely digital card from Jacquie Lawson. Jack knows his stuff!
Jack's wisdom includes, "All this so-called seasonal kindness is claptrap. Be good to everyone all the time and relax with a clear conscience in December while everyone else runs around like maniacs going in debt."
He has urged, "Girl, there is no Santa Claus, hell, even Jesus would not approve of Corporate Christmases. Don't do it for them, don't do it at all. That's called not doing Jack Shit!"
Jack has been a good and true friend. To show him my gratitude I am going to do something extra special. Just as he recommends, I am not doing Jack Shit for him.
Ahahaha! This was a lot of fun to read! I should start taking some advice from Jack. The level of stress that I put up with, on any given day, is starting to give me grey hair (literally)!
ReplyDeleteI am glad you had a good holiday season! I miss you guys!
Miss you, too. Let's do chili with your Mom one day soon.
DeleteHi! I am a new friends...and just love this post.
ReplyDeleteDebi